I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
