maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
