I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
