where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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