so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
