It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
