Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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