I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
