dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
