Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
