also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
