No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
