My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
