i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
