Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
