Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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