I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
