My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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