420 ftw
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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