I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
