dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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