i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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