I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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