I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
