my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
we made out on top of his cat.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
