Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
