i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
