separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
