I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
