i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
