i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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