I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
