Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
