so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
