the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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