mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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