He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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