Can i not drive my cunt home
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
