I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
