ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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