final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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