Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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