PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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