waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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