Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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