i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
