FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
