sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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