I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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