maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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