i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
