If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
